Twisted Serenity

This post is coming in sooner than I thought it would. Had noble plans of reading up on organic chemistry and stressing over microbiology. But thoughts and opinions anti-studying were running through my head. Might as well give in to'em. Don't want to built futher resentment to my already joy-killing study load.

God is teaching me something BIG. Yeah. Its crazily big, its not hard to miss. I could have missed it, but He also had a backup plan to ensure this lesson's permanently engraved in my long-term memory(this storage lasts a lifetime; short-term memory lasts for...at the most...3 days!)

For those who do visit this blog, I'm sure you already know of my not going back to Malaysia during the summer here. Its all fine and dandy actually, except that this summer I'll be taking summer semester, to obtain credit enabling me to enter 2nd year of pharmacy via the accelerated program. Sure, you think, that's just spiffy!! Au contrare...

My mind's been racing the past few days thanks to 700ml of V and 350ml of Red bull in a nearly botched attempt to keep awake studying for the aforementioned subjects. Needless to say, very little has been achieved. Its not easy to concentrate with my body aching while burping periodically. And yes, my mind was literally racing. I think it came to a point where I'd look at 2-1 and visualize: "2-1 2-1 2-1 2-1....=....1..wait..no...0...wait..2-1...yes...1...GAHH!!!!" My eyes were wider than ever. I couldn't close them for the life of me. I told myself " time to go to bed." Laid in bed, tossing,turning, staring at oblivion, wondering about nothingness,regretting over the time wasted just laying in bed wasting time. I guess on the label, when it said that Red Bull was for "active students", it may have been for literally active students: sports,associations, councils etc. Not for someone who's not had an energy drink before and decided that the excess of caffeine,glucose and carbonated soda might keep her awake for work.blegh.

ANYWAY,the meticulous description of my experience with those drinks were to prove a point: I'm NOT prepared for this semester's finals. At this crucial pinpoint of my life, I'm not prepared for THE exam that would definitely determine my future career. Whoever thinks UPSR,PMR,SPM,HSC (qld's gov.exam) were the BIG ONES; I've got news for you young un's. THEY'RE NOT!
This crippling fear of failing is embedded into the deepest recess of my mind. It paralyzes me to a point where I don't need V or Red Bull to drive my mind in circles.

But enough about my weakness. As sung in Monty Python: " Always look on the bright siiide of Life! too doo..too doo too doo too doo.."

The Big Guy up there pulled my safety net from under my feet. I'm forced into this do-or-die situation where turning back is no longer an option.grr. That's why I'm petrified with fear of not meeting the grades needed for this finals. Doesn't help that all that time and effort thinking of alternatives to my future could have been utilized to comprehend the elimination and substitution reactions of chem.

Never have I felt so lost. I planned my entire summer holidays out, only to have all my plans blown away;now I've to make new plans. Problem is, where do I start from?! I've handled holiday accomodation which was a very blessed gift from God :) All I need now is more faith and less distractions to focus on the task at hand.

You gotta thank God for mothers; I do =D Her asking me details about EACH course I take does help me out in the long run, ESPECIALLY when I needed encouraging. Putting all the events into perspective, my life has been blessed so much so far. What more could I ask for?

I'm in my happy place =D Studies are still screwy, and the fear will always be there.
A brave WOman is not a WOman who is not afraid, but one whose will is stronger than HER fear.

Afteral, this is life. And God's the house as well as the player. He gives and takes. In this instance, all I can do now is pray and hope for the best. And yeah, always wishing that He'd win this game at the end of the day =D

Posted by Jessamine at 10:58 PM | Permalink | Comments

Hi hi!!!
This post is addressed to all..and I mean ALL my friends =D
How've you all been? I'm sure that there are finals to finish, end year activities to plan, christmass to look forward too.
As for me, I've got two of the above three to look forward to.
I'll be taking summer semester here in brizzy, so I won't be going back to Malaysia as planned. =(

See, I've applied to do Pharmacy in UQ for next year. Apparently, if I am able to get credits for most of the first year courses pharmacy students take, I'll be able to enter 2nd year of bpharm, instead of going back to 1st year pharm. That's why I'm staying back for the summer to finish one last course, and by God's grace, I'll be able to enter 2nd year.
This decision does come with lots of sacrifices, the biggest of course, is that I won't be able to go home. I won't be able to meet my family again, my friends especially you dear Hui Lynn, not sure when I'll be able to see you. Ying Roe, Mei Yan, Christian, and so many others. Not forgetting all the food!!!!!

I could have gone back during my mid-semester break here;but I ain't paying aud3500 for business class to fly back for 10 days. Its crazy.Besides, the financial burden on my parents would be too great. As it is, they've already sacrificed so much for me, giving me allowance while I'm here; I can't ask for more.

I"m really really sorry.
This post isn't long and poignant as I wanted it to be. I guess, I'm at a lost as to what to say to everyone.

Hopefully I'll be able to regain my composure and post something more meaningful, after my exams. Knowing how to work Logistic regression and ANOVA here won't help now would it. What's the point of null hypothesis or hydrolysis when it comes to matters of the heart.

I guess I'm still in shock. I got the news of my pharm application yesterday. After a day of phone calls and internet searching, only the decision to NOT go back to M'sia came. sighs. I've got to replan my next 3 months. Accomodation, finances, activities.

Thank the Lord for such a career opportunity here. At the end of the day, I can plan all we want, but He controls my life. On hindsight, it was good that I manage to go back in July.

I pray, that sooner or later, our paths would meet again. You all will get a super duper humoungous breath-taking hug from me. I just can't express how much I miss you. Malaysia to me isn't about food, or weather (urgh) or exotic places. Its where my dear friends are. My family. My life.

I truly deeply sincerely love guys and gals. Don't forget me k!!

Posted by Jessamine at 9:28 PM | Permalink | Comments

Fourteen days to my finals.
Fourteen days to 30 multiple choice questions of statistics.
Sixteen days to organic chemistry and plastic atomic models(yay!)
Eighteen days to complex(rather simplified in comparison to others though..) citric acid cycles and glycogenesis.
Twenty-three days to go to human biology with exciting action potentials and flexible pivoting actions of bones.
Twenty-four days to freedom.

If you think about it,there isn't that much time left before I'm going home to Malaysia. I've had my ups (very very high) and downs (very very VERY low), but mostly in-betweens.
I've mixed with very diversed company,in skin colour and background. Met many fresh faces, introduced to colourful life stories, heard interesting experiences.
All very new and unknown ground for a gal who has spent the last 17 years of her life protected under the wings of her family; watching and reading about america(a country which, till recently, seemed like a fictional setting), abortions,pre-maritial sex(I know I know..happens all the time..),homosexuality, extreme poverty, hurricanes, and now, assignment-stress.

Until recently, all the above issues were just issues with points and opinions that I mentally knew off from tv, newspapers, articles etc. They weren't tangible to me. Not until I know of friends who have experienced it. I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed. I'm left stranded, unsure of how to handle situations like these. Of course I don't shout out loud screaming "WHAT THE $%@#@#$ were you THINKING??!!!"
No. It has happened. No advice can be given, no judgement can be made;it happenED. I can't possibly be empathetic, and sympathy isn't the best thing to offer. Heck, they don't want sympathy, makes them feel like pussys...and man, they are no pussys.

How do you hate the sin, yet love the sinner? I don't approve of abortion, but I couldn't help but actually suggested that to a friend of mine. Its twisted. I was twisted. I was concerned about the fetus, about the mom, about the future. I was emotionally concerned about what is going to happen. How do you NOT do that? How do you listen to incidences such as this and be levelheaded about it? How do you detach yourself from a friend? I wish I could be like that, but hey, its me. Probably a good thing mom didn't approve of me being a psychologist. I'm sure she saw through me, that I'm such an emotional git. I'd probably grow mental soon enough if i was a clinical psychologist =D not that I'm not that already..at least I don't harm people with bad advice now...

ANYWAY...I was chatting with a friend about this turmoil raging inside me; the reply was indeed comforting-"One positive thing I could get out of this situation, is that you're a very caring and concerned person" =D

Hey, I'll take that kinda compliment very kind. It was such a sweet thing to say.

I guess at the end of they day, life throws you shit. SSDD.....
But let go, let live, and let God catch you as you fall. It might be a pretty hard thud; but He's the ultimate healer =D

ps:oooooooooooooo...Reggie Dabbs came to church!!!! MAN he's awesome...farny fella...talked about John 2:1...potrayed Mary as this hard-arsed mom who granted Jesus the chance to do his first miracle-changing water to wine-Reggie took that story, and turned it around, focusing on the waterpots instead of the humans.
Apparently those waterpots that were used to fill water in, were pots that held water used for washing the mudcakes off the wedding guests'feet. The analogy of using insignificant nothings and turning it into the best somethings. hehe...its a recurring theme, but heck, the message was awesome. And Lydia came to church.

eeeeeeeeeeEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEeeeeeeeeee(squealing here H)

Posted by Jessamine at 10:11 PM | Permalink | Comments

This is the time of the year where you study non-stop, survive on instant noodles and pizza, sleep for no more than 2 hours a day just to catch up on 3 months of coursework.
Yes people, in no less than 6 weeks, I'm going home to Malaysia!!!

I can't believe I'll be returning back as a first year undergraduate. Isn't it so surreal how much time has passed; yet it seems like just yesterday when I was dreaming of what life would be without familiarity of family and friends.

New and old friends have entered my life,heartache and joy of the extremes have been experienced. I've done things that I never thought I'd actually do!!..not revealing any secrets here. (I'm still sane and female. no worries =P)

I've gotten control of my life, and this newfound freedom just taste so sweet!
Being in control of where I'm going to live, what I'll be eating, where I'm going, how I'm spending my allowance etc. Independence is bliss. =D

Just 3 more weeks people, and I'm going to sit for my final exams. I'm so anxious to get it all done and over with. I want time to fly, yet I don't want it to pass me by..in a swift WOOSH...I'm going home...I'll be leaving this beautiful room of mine that has protected me for the last 8 months; hehe..will be moving in with a couple of my church friends!!
Gosh was I such a control freak just chatting about moving into their place next year!! The moment I saw the room, I was rearranging furniture in my head, decorating the room mentally. And I promise to sort out the dodgy internet connection. And then there's the sofa set that will be bought..and the fridge..and the dining table..and toaster, sandwich maker, rice cooker..AAAHHHH!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR NEXT YEAR!!!!!

teehee...isn't life loverly when we get to move our butts around?

Goodbye Dell Road...Hello Brisbane Street!! teehee.....chuckles..LOL..yes, I'm in a rather giggly mood right now.

*DEEP BREATHE*

ALRIGHT TROOPERS. will be attempting to over come the covalent bonds of carbocations to form a product of great importance synthetically for commercial uses.

TA!

Posted by Jessamine at 9:58 PM | Permalink | Comments

That was a random name. It is the company of my 'post-its' and its posted on my wall.So what the heck. On that post-it note, are the dates of my final exams, all crammed up with messy scrawly handwriting. Not your traditional neat timetable. nonetheless...

So. Finals are here.Again. It seems like just 2 months ago since I finished stressing over exams. Just 2/3 months ago, I was waking up in the early mornings, gorging on chicos and turkey delights, while my books and files littered the dining table. I can't do that this time. I've lost my craving for chicos..it might be due to over-consumption..causing my cerebrum to.....oh what the heck...I can't think of the proper scientific jargon to blow your minds away...yup..my mind's still going on its apoptosis spree...teehee..

The greatest achievement yet this week was that I didn't watch the telly!! No..its not because I got turned off by the screen size..which is smaller than my laptop (wow...)...I've just been...occupied during the evenings when my favourite shows were televised.MAn...this post is so insipid...should think of something interesting to tell..

Erm..lemme think..............

My landlady bought a hybrid of green tea and mint lipton tea (cue for EEEEWWWWWW).
I'd prefer green tea OR peppermint.
Yes, they're both green (still a fav colour of mine..though I'm leaning towards maroon...)
Yes, they're both delumptious and invigorating.
Yes, I do prefer them to English Breakfast or Earl Grey OR CAMMOMILE.!!!!!!!!

But green tea AND mint?!!
What'd be next?!?!!!
English breakfast AND earl grey AND cammomile AND chrysanthenum!?!?!?!?!?!!

oh dear..I'm freakin out over tea hybrids!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hmm..with all these mixtures, maybe in the near future, finding green tea Or mint Or english breakfast tea Or earl grey Or cammomile would be for the purists..

tsktsk...tells you abit bout life doesn't it..once interracial was a taboo..now its a norm...haha...not that I've any apprehensions towards it...its just interesting though..of course being here in australia, its kinda obvious why I stated it. True aussies have mixed blood ( Oh Jess..now only you know?!!!!) yes..my aussie pals were shocked when I was shocked bout it. silly billy..

told you : No relation to Zimmer whatsoever. Its random. dlajke dvajkae ouma fsmka! =D

Posted by Jessamine at 7:15 AM | Permalink | Comments

That technically sums up the last couple of days.

When you sleep and have the words mTOR flashing in your eyes,
When your dreams wake you up from worries of non-existent in-text referencing,
When you feel like your head's swelling up due to hydrocephalus,
When your vocabulary is limited to "elucidated", "implications","tumors","tubers", "hamartomas";
When you attend lectures and not sleep even though you woke up from a 4 hour 'nap';

When you feel like there's nothing left to do, even though there's heaps of studying to be done, just because you've finished your PowerPoint Presentation on Tuberous Sclerosis for your e-conference...

When all the above occured....

Then you'd have greater insight into my neurotic brain.

Lesson learnt from this assignment:
1) ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS read the abstracts and the ENTIRE journal before printing it out.

2) ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS check that the journal is peer-reviewed.( Might have rescued some brain cells from suicide)

3) ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS read the criteria sheet before attempting to start your response.

Last but not least: Partners aren't perfect. Tis rare to find one who is as competent as you, or who can complement your work. So,
ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS practise tolerance and humility.
It makes the world rounder and life easier.

On a heavier note, the Jacarranda trees are blossomin with purple flowers. You know what that means...CRUNCH TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've been through half of my 2nd semester, but everything that has happened still seem surreal.

oh God.......am I really ageing that fast?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by Jessamine at 11:02 PM | Permalink | Comments

I've gone through an entire week of refurbishment. Its not completed yet, but on a whole, its looking up.
My house still has chipped paint on the walls, furniture stacked somewhere in the basement waiting to be recycled and leaking faucets.
The designer did pop by for awhile, evaluating the extent of the damage,but no plans have been drawn as to how it'd all be fixed. No plans that I'm aware of that is.

I can't wait for the day when it'd be completed.
I can't wait for the day when I'll be able to enjoy my new home.
I can't wait for the day when I'll be able to invite friends over and we'll all have a swell time. For now, everything's a mess.
Given time, I'm sure a pretty picture would be painted.
Until then, I've to wait, cultivate an attitude of patience,trust and faith.

Posted by Jessamine at 12:05 PM | Permalink | Comments